Joanna snapped her head up when the soft sound of a bell ringed in her ears. The subway train slowed down and came into a halt. The doors slid open and busy people -- businessmen and women, clerks, engineers alike came flooding in the train, ready to end their hard day's work.
Joanna stepped inside the train, sliding into the nearest empty seat she could find before it was occupied, dully looking out the window. The night was polluted with the sounds of engines bursting and horns from the cars blared into the background. But when the doors closed, there was an eerie silence.
Everyone looked sleepy, tired, restless or busy. She could hear the sound of handphones beeping and voices whispering about business marketing and other certain businesses that she didn't bother listening. But suddenly, her phone started buzzing with a soft twinkling ringtone that she loved to hear whenever she needs to calm down. These were one of the moments where she
had to calm down.
She flipped her phone open and placed it against her ear. "Hello?" She never thought that her voice could ever sound so dry.
"Hello, Joanna." A too familiar voice rang on the other line.
Out of nowhere, Joanna felt as if her heart had crushed and her eyes were beginning to soak. "Hi, Jason. How are you doing?"
"Pretty well. But I wished that they hadn't made the hospital like a complete dungeon. It doesn't have to be this dark." Jason replied with an unconcealed disappointment in his tone.
"Look, I'm going to see you. I've got some things to drop by." Joanna said, trying to sound eager.
"Aww, you didn't have to, Joanna." Jason said. Joanna could feel as if he was smiling on the other line.
"Bye." He whispered.
That was when Joanna's heart really crushed. The conversation between her and Dr. Anderson (Jason's doctor) flooded back in her memory. A sudden pang of hurt struck her heart. She felt as though she couldn't breathe anymore and it was too hard to bear. She could tears streamed down from her eyes.
"Bye." She whispered back.
She didn't want to recall what Dr. Anderson mentioned to her. But the conversation played back in her head like a radio.
"I'm sorry, Joanna. But his condition is just getting worse and worse. I'm afraid that he might not last long because of his vulnerable state." Dr. Anderson explained, pulling off his glasses with unconcealed concern in his face.
Joanna's face paled almost white as winter. "W-What are you t-trying to declare, doctor?" She stuttered, her words escaped her lips like snow; soft and too quiet to be heard.
Dr. Anderson sighed. Then, there was the long eerie silence. Joanna wanted to grab the doctor's coat, shout at him and demand what was he wanted to say. But her body came to a statue state, unable to move a muscle nor a finger. She couldn't believe this.
Dr. Anderson looked up at her, light shined on his glasses momentarily as he finally said it out. "He only has three months left."Joanna suddenly started choking in tears, the sudden heavy feeling of sadness overwhelmed her. The world seemed to have disappeared around her despite feeling the small itching sense that eyes were boring into her. She felt too sad to be so concern about it. She hoped to be stronger but feeling how her sides were ready to split because of the aching feeling in her chest made her remember.
"Why do you have to be strong?" Joanna's mother, Hilary, said in a low tone as she started putting the dishes into the sink.
Joanna fought the urge to look at her mother, her eyes curled to their corners to see her mother picking up a curry-stained plate. Suddenly, a hand covered with bubbles and soap snaked around Hilary's wrist. It was Joanna's hand. "Mom, I..."
"At the end of the day, what does 'strong' gets you?" Hilary added with a hint of angst in her tone. Joanna embraced her mother with tears in her eyes.--
"Joanna!"
Joanna walked into the ward, the thick dreadful smell of medicine burned in her nostrils. But admist all of the heavy odour, she could see Jason's face glowing brightly with a large grin on his face. In an instant, she felt a contagious sort of happiness creeping up to her as a smile tugged on her pale dry lips. She moved to his side, looking down at his bony face.
"How are you feeling, Jason?" She asked, her voice was dry again.
"A little better after they let me eat just now." He answered, a warm smile that made it too hard for Joanna to bear the fact where her best friend was dying.
"What did you eat?" She pulled a seat nearby and sat near the edge of the bed.
"Just an apple, bread with butter, soup and pudding." He answered with a slightly sad face. But then, he grinned at her. "But you know me, I'm still hungry." It was obvious that he tried to lighten the mood. She grabbed his hand, feeling that he was cold.
"You're cold." She noted, looking at his white hand. "Well, yeah, they turned on the air-cond about 20 degrees. You know I can't stand with that kind of temperature."
Joanna looked at him. "Why didn't you tell the nurse?" She asked, a voice filled with concern.
"I didn't want to bother anyone. It's not like I'll freeze to death." He smiled.
Death. The very utter word that Joanna hoped he had never said. She felt like killing herself for asking Dr. Anderson about his condition. How could she act normal around him after finding out he was nearing to his death?
"They should've let you eat more." She said, wrapping her thumb and index finger around his wrist. "You're loosing weight."
"Is it obvious?" He asked, looking at his skinny wrists. Joanna nodded. "Yeah, very obvious."
Suddenly, they started chuckling. Joanna didn't know how they could start a chuckling session but she prayed it wasn't their last. He squeezed her hand. "Did you see Dr. Anderson yesterday?"
Joanna's voice was lost in her throat. She wished that he hadn't asked her that. "Yeah, I did." She desperately wanted to seal her lips but she didn't want to show him the grief she was feeling. She had to start acting all over again.
"What did he saw? Am I getting better?" His eyes beamed with sparks of hope, a moment that was growing rarer every single day since he has been placed in the hospital. Joanna prayed and endlessly hoping that he hadn't been diagnosed with cancer.
"Yes." She lied. "He says you're getting better. You might be out of here soon. For good."
What the hell am I doing?Jason grinned loudly and held Joanna's hands. "That's wonderful! I can't believe I'm finally getting out of this hospital." He laid on his back, his eyes bored in the ceiling.
Joanna tried to smile. But she couldn't find the will to act anymore. "Jason, listen--"
"Hey, Joanna." Jason cut her mid-way, sitting up and looking at her. "How about if we go out tomorrow? It's my monthly hang-out day, remember?"
She nodded, remembering the monthly times where Jason could go out of the hospital. "Yeah, I remember." She held his hand tighter, a sad smile curled on her lips. "I'd like that."
--
To be continued.
P.S: (To certain readers of my blog) Please don't tell me how much you fucking hate my writing style or my blog entries. If you hate me, don't bother following with my life or blog. Get it? If you're stubborn to not leave me alone, I sincerely hope that you realize that you're just being recklessly stupid.
Get a life. If you have one, live with it. Properly.
